so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
