i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
