So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
from now on my penis is your penis
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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