Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
