You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
