Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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