Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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