he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
