fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
