I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
