I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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