You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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