I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
