Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
