The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
