this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is the high leading the old right now
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
