We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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