saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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