Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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