Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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