I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
