please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
