meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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