Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
