Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Alive.
So much puke
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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