I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
