did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
