I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
