I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
