Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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