I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
