I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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