i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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