the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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