we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
