I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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