I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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