Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
