Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
third nipple confirmed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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