i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Less talking, more tequila
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
