i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
