We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize