hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
