watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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