I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
