I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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