I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
