I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
