He passed out mid-signature
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
