omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
