we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
