I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
