So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
