Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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