Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
