My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
