You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
