my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
