Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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